i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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