Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
im on a boat
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