She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
