What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
