She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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