If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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