Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
barbara walters just said penis...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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