apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
