I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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