I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
