she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
