There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
