I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
