just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
