Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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