My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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