I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You took a bar mat shot.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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