My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
