Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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