god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I did not marry a roomba.
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