She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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