dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
