In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
