if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
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Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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