I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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