There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
