dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
