3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
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