so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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