i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize