Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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