You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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