I cannot find my penis.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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