so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
