Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
