saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
