All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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