apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
