i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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