God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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