What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
