I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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