if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
