dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
