How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
