I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
