I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
