Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
