My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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