I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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