he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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