Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
