does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
