whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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