i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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