There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
