u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
