I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
