i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
